What a morning!
I awoke to the sounds of my clock radio, and of President Obama giving an extraordinary speech across the airwaves. I'll just transcribe what I heard for all of you here, without comment:
I, President Obama, have taken this opportunity to speak to all of America. Because I'd like to make a confession to everyone. While my efforts at reaching out across the aisle in Washington have been mixed, at best, I have to admit that my efforts at reaching out to the mainstream media have been somewhat less successful. So, in order to lay to rest some rumors and downright conspiracy theories, and in a sincere effort to shelter the media from the embarrassment their unfounded stories have undoubtedly caused them, I'd like to come right out and admit a few things to everyone.
To begin with, my Inauguration speech was horrible. Boy, that was an absolute stinker of a speech, huh? About the only thing worse was Aretha Franklin's hat, right? And when I gave the speech, although only a few right-winger pundits picked up on it, when I said I valued "hard work," that was actually code, which hid the fact that I am really a secret conservative.
Yes, it's true. As we all know, liberals never did a stick of work in their lives, and so I was truly speaking to my natural constituency there -- conservatives.
But that's not all. I am also a secret shill for Wall Street bankers, whom I love more than my own children. I personally approved each and every one of their bonuses, even the ones that happened before I took office. I also gave them all a personal and individual pat on the back for their efforts to destroy the American economy. Because, I am a secret Socialist, and want to destroy capitalism in America... by giving the capitalists more and more money.
If this sounds confusing, I'm sorry, but it truly is a grand design of a plan to secretly obliterate everything that every American holds dear. You will just have to bear with me, as I admit to all the sins the media has accused me of, in order to validate the media's own enormous and outrageous salaries and bonuses.
At the same time (I know this gets confusing, but please, bear with me until the end), I have moved forward on my secret plan to destroy all American business by signing a law which gave women the right to sue when they are paid less than men. This will bring American business to its knees, because -- secretly -- I am a Socialist.
Also, by the way, I am a stooge for former Illinois Governor Rob Blagojevich. I get all my marching orders from him. And I bought and paid for the successor to my Senate seat from Blago. It was all worked out long before last year's election. I raked in a profit on that deal, as did Blaggy. See, we're such good friends that I call him "Blaggy," and he doesn't even mind.
I am also, I have to admit, a secret Populist. I have had my operatives fanning out across America, stoking populist rage amongst the people, which all fits into my Master Plan to pass a constitutional amendment to assure that CEOs get paid 500 times what an average worker makes, forever. If this is all a bit confusing, I beg you, bear with me until you can see the "Big Picture" here.
Part of this plan was to bankrupt the Treasury by replanting the grass on the National Mall in D.C. Again, this will all make sense in the end. The stimulus plan was actually a step towards the United Socialist Republics Of America. Also, I am secretly forcing all Republicans to kowtow to Rush Limbaugh, just to make them look silly. And you don't want to know how I have the leverage to do so, you'll just have to trust me on this one.
During the campaign, I secretly promised America that I would do nothing -- not a single thing -- unless it met the media's definition of "bipartisanship," which appears to be: "what Rush Limbaugh agrees with." I really did promise over and over again on the campaign trail (although you may not have noticed it, because it was secret) not to push for any bill in Congress that did not have at least 80 or 90 percent support from the Republicans, but you can't possibly remember this, because I have wiped all your minds with my anti-memory ray which our conquering overlords from Planet ZX-12 gave me.
Whoops! Wasn't supposed to say that... ahem... give me a minute here... [ZZZAP!] OK, forget you heard that last bit, OK?
As I was saying, I am moving forward on my plan to destroy the middle class of America by giving 95 percent of all workers a big tax cut. This will all become clear, I promise, by the end. You see, I'm secretly waging class warfare. By capping all executive pay in America, and secretly rewriting every single worker's employment contract, even though they are sacred for everyone (except auto workers, of course). Because I am a secret Socialist. Except, of course, for those who belong to existing unions. I know, this is confusing, and I apologize for it.
Except when I am a secret Capitalist, bailing out undeserving Wall Street CEOs, and forcing Joe The Plumber to pay for it all. Speaking of Wall Street, I am (of course) personally responsible for the market's fall. Except, of course, I am not responsible at all when the market goes up, since that is a subject which isn't even newsworthy enough to mention, in the midst of a recession. Because I am betting on the failure of the American economy. Yes, it's true, I am actually a Marxist.
I am also secretly working with Rush Limbaugh to insure the failure of the American economy. He has his reasons, I have mine. Mine are the total dismantling of American capitalism, and ushering in the horrible, horrible European-style Socialism (where nobody ever goes bankrupt because they can't pay their medical bills -- what sort of Hell on Earth is that?).
I only appoint people to my administration who have never ever paid any income taxes whatsoever. Leona Helmsley is our model, when vetting important positions here.
I secretly hate bipartisanship. This may shock you, but I really do. I personally forced every House Republican to vote against my stimulus package, and had to fight hard with some of them -- who put America's economic future above partisanship -- but in the end, I had my way, and convinced them all to vote against it. My presidency is an abject failure because I keep passing bill after bill with no Republican support whatsoever.
Except on the bills half the Republicans vote for, but I don't worry about them -- because the media never points them out. Such massive, massive bipartisanship actually embarrasses me, so I'm quite happy that the media don't point them out. Whew! Because bipartisanship is "Issue Number One" for all Americans, rating consistently higher on poll after poll than "getting something done." American voters are actually insulted when Democrats pass bill after bill to put America back on track, because of the lack of bipartisanship. Ask around in any coffee shop in the country, you'll hear that outcry for bipartisanship over the laughably inadequate "getting something done" nonsense I and my fellow Democrats are peddling.
As president, my paltry poll numbers prove that Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are truly the puppeteers who are pulling my strings. I can barely hold on to two-thirds of the entire country who think I'm doing a good job, which is just absolutely disgraceful, especially when stacked up against my predecessors' ratings. A mere two-thirds of the country agrees with what I'm doing! I look at poll after poll after poll, and that number refuses to change. It stays rock-steady at a pathetic sixty-percent-plus, much to my dismay. I hang my head in shame.
I am also ashamed at getting my stimulus bill passed so quickly. Republicans, those masters of bipartisanship, offered their sincere efforts to delay this bill for months and months, and -- I admit -- I ignored them. As a consequence, this bill was passed so fast that the media did not have time to fully rant and rave over it, as they are so used to doing. I offer my apology to them, for ruining their twelve-part series: "Why Obama is diminished and powerless as a president." Secretly, of course, I agreed with them and celebrate every job lost in America, since it will make it easier, in the end, to implement my master plan of Socialism-in-America.
Also, contrary to my public statements on my plan to institute some sort of safety net for the foreclosure crisis, I secretly want every American to lose their home. I am working night and day on this, secretly, with ACORN, who is also doing their best to destroy free elections across the country (in their spare time).
My health care plans, developed secretly, will bar one and all from ever seeing their family doctor ever again. We will round up anyone who has ever referred to themselves as "family doctors" in a camp in Wyoming, and it's best you don't ask what is going to happen to them. Because they our are biggest bar towards instituting not only socialized medicine, but government-run medicine, where you will have to fill out a twelve-page form every time any member of your family opens an aspirin bottle in your medicine cabinet.
I have been spending and (of course, just ask the mainstream media) actually losing political capital with every step I have taken. My political capital has gone from having two-thirds of the country behind me... to having only a paltry two-thirds of the country behind me. This reckless "spending" of my political capital will leave me "bankrupt" of political capital in a few weeks, because I put all my political capital in a fund run by Bernie Madoff. So (for all but the two-thirds of America who is behind me, no matter what inane story the media obsesses over), I am absolutely bereft of such political capital, and I had better follow the media's lead on what to obsess over from now on.
Speaking of losing political capital, the Democratic Party is in danger of disappearing altogether. There is absolutely no party unity, and there are massive, massive fights within the party, as evidenced by vote after vote in Congress where they all vote for my plans. The Republican Party is not -- I repeat not -- in a struggle of trainwreck proportions right now; it is actually the Democratic Party who cannot seem to agree on anything (other than when they all vote together in Congress for my agenda, of course).
I am secretly an ultra-liberal, I have to admit at this point. I am absolutely committed to abject failure in Iraq and Afghanistan, as evidenced by all those neo-cons who are now agreeing with me. I also secretly sabotaged Bobby Jindal's speech, by forcing him to talk about volcano monitoring. And I, heartless beast that I am, forced Sarah Palin to actually sell her Naughty Monkey shoes on eBay.
I am secretly a big fan of earmarks. Especially earmarks sponsored by Republicans who then vote against them. Secretly (oh, so secretly) on the campaign trail, I actually agreed with John McCain (although I did it secretly enough that nobody ever actually quoted me doing so) that I would veto any earmark ever presented to me. The American people are turning on me in big numbers, because of the blatant hypocrisy I showed in not living up to my opponent's promises on the campaign trail on earmarks. And I lost such a massive amount of political capital by doing so that my approval rates actually tanked, from two-thirds approval -- to a shameful and pathetic two-thirds approval.
I am also secretly plotting, daily, to pass the agenda that I hid from the American people by telling them exactly what I would do if elected, every chance I got on the campaign trail. This is part of my Grand Secret Plan for America, which I kept a secret by talking about it with every opportunity I had. I know this is mystifying to the mainstream media, since they never take any politician's words seriously, but this is (of course) all part of my Grand Design.
Part of this, of course, is forcing Republican governors (over their strident objections) to accept stimulus money so their states don't go bankrupt. I did this by waterboarding them, until they agreed to save their own rear ends by accepting this free money.
The next stage in my plot to usher in Socialism in America is Obamacare, where I allow government plans to compete with private health insurance. This will, of course, force all Americans to wait 18 months to get a doctor's appointment for a flu shot. All part of my plan.
My secret gay agenda is to force everyone (of same sex) in the military to have sex with each other, to destroy America's armed forces.
The media is correct, of course (how could they ever be wrong in any way?). I am simply trying to do too much. I am so incompetent that I cannot walk and chew gum at the same time. I want it all, and I want it now. I can never ever succeed with any part of any of my massively overwhelming plans, because it is all just too much for any man to concentrate on. Washington will never progress, especially if I don't take months and months on one single issue, giving the opposition plenty of time to shoot my ideas down and rally public support against me. It is foolish for me to try to do more than my opposition can handle, because the American people will be really really upset with me if I deliver on any part (let alone any major part) of the things I have promised them.
I'm truly, truly sorry for the bipartisan votes I have managed to get in Congress, because it goes against the media narrative that I secretly hate bipartisanship. I personally engineered this embarrassment just to make the media look bad, and not to actually get something done in a bipartisan fashion.
I cannot get my message out whatsoever, as the media has so accurately pointed out. While it may seem confusing, I am also dangerously over-exposed in the media, which means I run the risk of my message being heard by far, far too many people.
I am trying to do too much, most of which is secret. Part of this secret plan is to force the Republicans to become the "Party of No" so that they may reinvent themselves as the stalwart champions who are resisting progress and success at every turn. This may sound confusing, but it will all become clear in the 2012 election, trust me.
I am trying to do too much, and Americans hate it. They hated my Leno and ESPN appearances, and are getting tired of me. They can't stand me. Except, of course, for the two-thirds who still support me.
And it goes without saying that I hate the Special Olympics, and the entire Kennedy extended family.
In fact, I have a massive admission to make. I am actually a very bad public speaker. I cannot manage to put together an English sentence without the "crutch" of a TelePrompTer handy. This is proven out by my use of such in my last press conference, where I used a TelePrompTer for eight minutes -- eight whole minutes -- before answering questions off the top of my head, with no TelePrompTer, from the White House press corps for another fifty-two minutes, of course.
I am also guilty of secretly forcing Americans to do math, by releasing a budget with actual numbers in it. I now see that the Republicans are much smarter than I, since they released their budget plan with absolutely zero numbers in it. I am obviously asking too much from the country by using "facts" and "numbers" in my budget, and will refrain from doing so in the future.
And, contrary to my recent comments, I have a secret plan to legalize not only marijuana but also all other drugs, and sell them to your nine-year-old daughter. After offering her a free sample, of course.
I also have a secret plan to let Portuguese secret agents into the White House, in the form of our daughters' new dog. I apologize profusely for this lapse.
I can fully admit now that I stole the primary elections, and faked that whole "landslide" thing in the general election as well. Also, I wasn't both in Hawai'i, but rather in Kenya. I was college roommates with Iranian President Ahmadinejad, as well, and we're still good buddies to this day.
My wife also hates America, which she secretly semaphores by her sleeveless outfits.
Also, I'm secretly a Muslim. Death to America!
With the powers vested in me by George Bush's secret orders, I am now declaring myself "President-For-Life," and hereby order all those who voted against me to report to the following regional re-education centers (I completely reject the term "concentration camps," because it just doesn't sound "hopeful" enough) by sundown tonight...."
At this point, I really woke up. And, after shutting the clock radio off, I took a look at the calendar.
But, although another April Fool's Day had dawned, I thought about it, and wondered (since the media had pushed each and every one of these narratives, in some form or another, in the past few weeks), who really is fooling whom?
Cross-posted at The Huffington Post
-- Chris Weigant