ChrisWeigant.com

Archive of Articles in the "Humor" Category

From The Archives -- A Washington Thanksgiving Farce

[ Posted Wednesday, November 27th, 2019 – 17:27 UTC ]

Some days, the humor just writes itself. Today, our illustrious president proved once again (as if any doubt remained) that he is, in fact, dumber than a bag of hammers. At a signing ceremony to proclaim a new centennial coin for the ratification of the Nineteenth Amendment next year (women got the right to vote in 1920), Donald Trump mused aloud why this hadn't happened previously. Previous presidents, according to Trump, just didn't know how to get things done, which is why they hadn't proclaimed this centennial before now.

In other words, Trump was mystified why the 100th anniversary of an event hadn't taken place earlier than the 100th anniversary of that event. At this point, even bags of hammers are laughing at his idiocy.

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Two Bone-Chilling Hallowe'en Tales For Left And Right

[ Posted Wednesday, October 30th, 2019 – 17:59 UTC ]

It's time once again to enter the Crypt, shine a flashlight up onto our face in the dark, and spin two ghastly tales of horror and mayhem for both sides of the aisle.

Gather 'round and prepare to quiver in fear, kiddies, because Hallowe'en comes but once a year. Think things are bad now? Hah! Think they couldn't possibly get any more spine-chilling or frightful? Think again!

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Friday Talking Points -- They Just Don't Care Anymore

[ Posted Friday, October 18th, 2019 – 18:14 UTC ]

We've reached the stage where Donald Trump and his henchmen are no longer even pretending to care about their lawlessness -- they're just doing it right out in the open for everyone to see, daring their fellow travellers in the Republican Senate to care. Right after Trump's White House chief of staff admitted that there was indeed a quid pro quo in Trump's call to the Ukraine, the White House announced that the upcoming G-7 summit would take place at Trump's own Florida resort. Both are, quite obviously, impeachable offenses. Right out there in the open, for all to see.

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Xi, Who Pays The Piper, Calls The Tune

[ Posted Tuesday, October 8th, 2019 – 17:10 UTC ]

I don't think I've ever used this column to comment on the world of basketball, but there's always a first time for everything. The National Basketball Association is currently struggling with a conflict between free speech and making piles of money in China. It is a struggle that many American corporations have faced before, and it boils down to one basic fact: if you want China's money, then you have to play by their rules, period. Chairman Xi is paying the piper, so he gets to call the tune. The concept is clear, and nobody's forcing any company to do business with China, but if any American company does want to tap into their billion-person market, then they've got to follow the Chinese rules for doing business there. And most of those rules are antithetical to democratic norms, which makes perfect sense because China is an authoritarian state.

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Friday Talking Points -- The Whole Sharpiegate Timeline

[ Posted Friday, September 6th, 2019 – 18:06 UTC ]

This is, without doubt, the stupidest American political scandal, ever. Its incredible dumbassedness absolutely puts to shame any other possible contender for the title (such as, just to cite one example: "Barack Obama wore a tan suit! Everybody flee!"). We have officially devolved into seriously moronic territory, folks.

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Friday Talking Points -- Tanks For The Memories (Of The Continental Army's Air Force, That Is...)

[ Posted Friday, July 5th, 2019 – 17:05 UTC ]

After all the hype, things weren't nearly as bad as they could have been in Washington D.C. for the nation's birthday. Donald Trump gave a speech in front of some stationary tanks, but he (mostly) rigorously kept to the script which had been written for him to parrot. Perhaps someone had explained that if he went off script and turned the event into a campaign rally, then his campaign would have had to foot the bill. The size of that bill is still a secret, although the National Park Service admitted it had used over $2 million for it that should have gone to regular park maintenance.

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From The Archives -- Celebrate The Fourth -- Pursue Some Happiness!

[ Posted Thursday, July 4th, 2019 – 18:54 UTC ]

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

-- Preamble to the Declaration of Independence

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From The Archives -- Happy Independence Day!

[ Posted Tuesday, July 2nd, 2019 – 16:22 UTC ]

Happy Second of July, everyone! Happy Independence Day!

Now, you may be thinking: "Has Chris gone bonkers? Why is he jumping the gun, two days early?" The answers to these important queries are: No, Chris has not gone any more bonkers than usual; and, in fact, the rest of you are celebrating a fictitious event on a fictitious anniversary date. So there.

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The First Democratic Debate (Round 1)

[ Posted Thursday, June 27th, 2019 – 17:07 UTC ]

Along with millions of other Americans, I watched the first round of the first Democratic 2020 presidential debates last night. Although there were a few standout moments, the general impression I was left with was that any one of the people on that stage would do a much better job leading the country than the current occupant of the Oval Office. Of course, I could probably say the same thing about any random 10 people stopped on the street -- or even Michael Moore's ficus plant candidate -- so that's not really saying a whole lot. But it was indeed, as one late-night host pointed out later in the evening, sincerely refreshing to hear adults discuss the issues of the day in complete sentences, full paragraphs, and intelligent language without once resorting to playground bullying or other nasty taunts. In other words, it felt like a return to normalcy just to see them all up there.

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From The Archives -- American Motors General Survives Hummer Sale To China

[ Posted Thursday, June 6th, 2019 – 17:53 UTC ]

That's enough history, and as you can tell it's a pretty weak attempt to tie the following article to D-Day. This was intended to mask the real reason for both writing the article in the first place and rerunning it today, which was just a sheer love for AMC vehicles and has nothing really to do with the military, World War II, or D-Day at all. So I guess another year will go by without me writing explicitly about "the longest day." My apologies to the "greatest generation" for such irreverence.

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