Welcome to our annual frightfest! Each year we crank up the special effects soundtrack [Cue: rattling chains, unholy moaning, shrieking harpies in the night, and maniacal organ music in a very minor key....] and present our very own scary stories for both sides of the political aisle. This year's presidential campaign is frightening enough, no matter where you sit on the political spectrum, so we had to get rather outlandish for one of these stories. The other one is bone-chilling for a very different reason: because it's so uncomfortably close to actual fears some voters are now having, to some degree or another. Both should be equally spine-tingling, for their respective audiences, though.
A few notes are in order, before we begin this year's horrorshow. First, to all our student readers, the deadline for entering the Museum Of Political Corruption essay contest (answering the question: "What is political corruption and why should we care?") is fast approaching. First prize (I ever-so-humbly mention) includes getting your essay published in this column, so while you're stuffing your face with candy on Sunday, take some time to put your thoughts down and be sure to mail your entry in by Monday's deadline!
The Jack O'Lanterns were kind of hard to carve this year, so please no comments on how lame they came out. Hey, you try to carve Trump's hair or an F.B.I. badge into a pumpkin and see how you do! Heh. Anyway, for the curious, yes, they are real old-school carved Jack O'Lanterns, and not some computer-created art (if they were, they'd doubtlessly look a lot better, right?).
We're going to present the Republican nightmare first this year, for no particular reason (it's far longer than the Democratic one, I should mention), and the more eagle-eyed among you might notice a certain similarity to two Simpsons Hallowe'en stories, to say nothing of Mulder and Scully's appearance (hey, they're back together again, right?). To such criticism we can only reply with Mark Twain's immortal observation: "Immature humorists borrow. Mature humorists steal." Or, if that's too erudite for you, another cartoon's insight might help: South Park's revelation that "The Simpsons have done everything already!" So there.
One final note, our regular "Friday Talking Points" columns will resume next week, same bat time, same bat channel.
Speaking of bats, let's just get on with the spooky Hallowe'en show. Sit back -- on whichever side of the aisle you like -- and be prepared to be scared right down to your rattling bones!

Republican Nightmare -- Hair Today, Goon Tomorrow
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