You're A Mean One...

[ Posted Monday, December 20th, 2021 – 17:44 UTC ]

[With apologies to Theodor Geisel
Since he could do this so very well.
I will not try to follow him to the letter
Since he could do it ever-so-much better...]


A Mean One Indeed

[The scene: a Christmas tableaux, in the Done family living room. A cheerful Christmas tree is all aglow, with wonderful presents at the base, in the gloom.]

A mighty thump is heard, a cloud of soot erupts from the fireplace, and a very scary-looking creature emerges. Little Joey Bye Done, returning from a trip to the Euphemism, stands agape as the only witness.

The creature picks himself up and shakes off another huge cloud of soot. He catches a reflection of himself in the mirror over the mantel and smiles a hideously sinister grin.

"Coal black! My favorite color!"

The creature cackles. For all the world he looks like he should be twirling a mustache, tying some poor helpless girl to some railroad tracks somewhere. He just gives off that aura, somehow.

He is obviously not magical, like Santa, who manages to go up and down millions of chimneys without the slightest flake of soot adhering to his red and white outfit.

He reaches back up into the chimney and yanks a huge bag down after him. The bag seems mostly empty, however, with just some rather sharp-looking rocky shapes at its bottom.

The apparition sidles over to the cheerfully merry Christmas tree and sneers: "Well what have we here? Inappropriate presents for underserving little boys and girls, I fear!"

He picks up the most enticing of all of these, and reads the label: "To all Americans who have diabetes, from the Democratic Party." It is not the biggest present by far, in fact it is rather small. The creature gives it a shake and announces to no one in particular: "Doesn't sound like much, probably only cost 35 bucks..." and tosses it into his own bag, lying nearly-empty on the floor.

The next present is plucked from the branches of the Christmas tree. It is legal-tender-sized envelope and it seems rather stuffed with pieces of paper. It gets just as much scorn: "'To parents everywhere...' Ha!" This quickly follows the first gift into the huge sack on the floor. "Why should parents get any money for free? I bet most of them will just spend the money on drugs anyway." A truly evil laugh burst from the hideous creature: "Haw Haw!"

He reached back down and picked up a large box, festooned with bright wrapping paper. "'To American workers, for when you or a loved one gets sick....' Oh, no, no, no, NO! We can't have that! If people get leave, they'll probably just pretend they're sick to go on hunting trips. We certainly can't have any of that sort of thing, now can we?"

He began humming a hauntingly familiar tune. His eyes lit up as he espied a present that was rather obvious, due to being shaped (under the bright paper wrap) like a small automobile. He read the tag and burst out with: "Batteries not included! We certainly can't have any fun toys like this for everyone!"

It followed the others, into his bag.

Little Joey Bye Done, who until now had just been frozen in terror at the sight of this topsy-turvy fake Santa, slowly staggered into the room. He let loose a plaintive cry: "Who are you? What are you doing?!?"

The creature drew himself up with a sneer. "I am Joe Grinchin, who are you?"

"I am Joey Bye Done, and that is our Christmas tree!"

"Ah, well, see... it's like this... I am actually Santa's cousin, who follows him around and takes away presents from all the undeserving little boys and girls... it's my job, you see?"

"I don't believe you -- you're just stealing our presents!" sobbed Joey.

"No, no -- I am saving you from these evils. See, look here..." The Grinchin picked up two similar presents, one wrapped with childish paper which showed blackboards and games and coloring books, and the other with much more sober paper which showed books and scrolls and libraries instead. "Two free years of schooling? See, that sounds like a good thing, for the little ones, but it is in fact Socialism and nothing short of a Toddler Takeover! It would just ruin your life if your mom and dad only had to pay a reasonable amount for child care and preschool. You'll thank me later, I swear! And this... two free years of community college? That would just encourage poor teens to continue school and become more educated! What a horrible thing to even contemplate!"

"But... but... that's what my parents wanted the most -- I heard them asking Santa for it, I did!"

"Oh, no, no, no -- people don't always get what they want in life, little Joey, you really need to understand that." The Grinchin tried to smile in a comforting way, but it just looked like a hideous grimace to Joey.

The Grinchin took more presents from under the tree and chucked them into his bag. "Free hearing aids for your grandpa? Glasses for grandma? Why, it would absolutely ruin their work ethic if such things did not cost a great deal of money!" The Grinchin tried to pat Joey on the head, but he wisely ducked away. So the Grinchin shrugged and swept all the other goodies under the tree into his sack with one giant motion.

"You see, I have something so much better for everyone," the Grinchin said, and he all but disappeared into his now-bulging bag. He clambered his way down to the bottom and emerged with both his hands gripping big bundles of coal.

"See, now here's a present the whole family can enjoy! Coal! For everyone! Who wouldn't want all these profitable lumps on Christmas morning? You see, I am not stealing, I am replacing these horrible gifts from the Democratic Party with some good, clean coal, straight from my own coalfields in West Virginia! And since you're up, you can say: 'Thanks, Mister Grinch' to my face."

But Joey Bye Done had already fled the room in frustration and anger. So the Grinchin gave with a mighty shrug, stuffed his sack up the chimney, and began climbing up after it. He began humming again, and then broke into song: "You're a mean one, Mister Grinchin!" His hideously cruel cackles got fainter and fainter until the room was silent once again.


The End

[Well, hopefully not... but it sure looks like, at this point...]

-- Chris Weigant


Follow Chris on Twitter: @ChrisWeigant


13 Comments on “You're A Mean One...”

  1. [1] 
    John M from Ct. wrote:

    Excellent! And just as depressing as all the other articles on this most recent revoltin' development.

  2. [2] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    Coal black! My favorite color!"

    Indeed, truer words never spokin' and all the rest.

    And, everyone knew this from the get-go.

  3. [3] 
    Chris Weigant wrote:

    Yeah, it was totally depressing to have to write today's column, but I tried to take the high road and make it at least semi-comedy...



  4. [4] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    When will Democrats learn how to govern?

  5. [5] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    It was fun to read. Heh.

    Laugh or cry, as they say ... I'll take the former any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

  6. [6] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    I'm still betting on my guy ... only Captain America could save the day better than my Joey Bye Done!

  7. [7] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    And, Captain America doesn't really exist, so ... :)

  8. [8] 
    Michale wrote:

    This is the problem with the Democrat Party that Weigantians(â„¢michale) simply refuse to recognize..

    The Democrat Party as a whole ALWAYS overestimates their support and ALWAYS over-estimates their capabilities..

    As evidenced by all the recent turmoil here in Weigantia(â„¢michale) the previous years, Democrats have lost the fine art of debate. The far Leftist Democrats of today (which is the vast majority of Democrats in the here and now) feel that people simply should AGREE with them and if they don't they must be stoopid or evil and, as such, must be villified, demonized and attacked..

    I think this is what Liz has been saying, albeit in a kinder gentler way.. :D

    Democrats have lost the ability to, with facts and reason, CONVINCE Americans that they are following the correct course..

    Ya'all claim that EVERY PART of Democrat/Socialist Wet Dream legislation is "popular" with the "majority of Americans"???

    Fine.. PROVE IT...

    Pass each part as it's own separate legislation.

    If these programs are as popular as ya'all seem to think they are, then they should have NO PROBLEM passing, right??

    Once again, the problem here is Democrats actually believe their own press-releases...

    And, when the rubber hits the road, they are amazed and antagonistic when they find out that their press-releases were so much hot air...

    As evidenced by the reaction to the crashing and burning of the Wet Dream bill...

    Attacking the messenger and all that...

    I actually miss the Democrats of yore.. Democrats who would convince people of the virtue of their actions by facts and reason..

    Today's Democrats simply demand compliance.. And if they don't get it, even from their own, they harrass and attack and villify and demonize..

    But THIS time... This time it cost Democrats their precious BBB..

    The attacks on Joe Manchin's homes and harrasment of Joe Manchin's family had the EXACT opposite reaction than what Democrats had hoped.. It caused Joe Manchin to dig in his heels and eventually to throw up his hands and say, "Frak this!!"

    WHO could have POSSIBLY predicted this outcome?? :eyeroll:

  9. [9] 
    Michale wrote:

    The far Leftist Democrats of today (which is the vast majority of Democrats in the here and now) feel that people simply should AGREE with them and if they don't they must be stoopid or evil and, as such, must be villified, demonized and attacked..

    One only has to look at how Democrats are calling Joe Manching "RACIST" and all sorts of other vile names to know I speak the facts..

    I mean.. HONESTLY.. I have NEVER understood that about people.. In this context, Democrats..

    Euphemistically speaking, you want help from someone.. You want assistance from someone.. You want someone to see things your way and do things your way..

    So, how do you go about securing their co-operation?? You yell and scream at them. You call them all sorts of nasty and vile names.. You attack and harass them and their families at their homes...

    HONESTLY... Is that *REALLY* the best way to go about things??

    This is the Democrat Party of the here and now..

    "Do things OUR WAY!! Toe OUR line!! Or else we attack you and villify you into oblivion!!!"

    Once again.. Don't hate the messenger simply because he brings unpleasant FACTS to the forum...

    And yes, the GOP has this problem as well to an extent. But not NEARLY to the extent that the Democrat Party has...

    Twenty Two years (collectively) of Democrat BLM and AntiFa riots and attacks on HUNDREDS of government buildings all over the country has proven THAT fact beyond any and all doubt..

  10. [10] 
    MtnCaddy wrote:


    I have to respect the effort and creativity you put into this piece. But, yes, this was just as depressing to read.

    I wonder if four years of #PutinsBitch, the establishment Dems once again denying Bernie (and Elizabeth) and Joey Bye Done thus far failing to get BBB across the finish line, I wonder if that's why the quantity of comments down here has really fallen off.

  11. [11] 
    Michale wrote:

    I wonder if that's why the quantity of comments down here has really fallen off.

    -Mighty Mouse


  12. [12] 
    SF Bear wrote:

    Does everyone forget the reason for putting all the goodies in one basket was to enable the use of "reconciliation" which would eliminate the possibility of a filibuster. Everyone knew from the get go it would require Manchin to go along. Joe bet his vaunted deal making ability could at the end of the day persuade Manchin to go along. This is why they allowed him to do his show for months on-end playing Hamlet. At the end of this seemingly interminable road Joe and the rest of the Dems thought they secured his consent, and were good to go. This is why his surprise announcement made everyone including the usually imperturbable Biden so damn mad. The question now is can they find one vote among the 49 Repugs to get it across the finish line. Joe deserves all the approbation for he has voted his coal interests against the interests of all mankind. He knows if these modest impingements on coal pass more will come. And he is determined to squeeze a few more millions out of his black gold before the inevitable shut down comes. He is to be despised.

  13. [13] 
    Michale wrote:

    SF Bear..


    Or the possibily exists that Joe Manchin is right here.. He is dead on ballz accurate about how bad the Democrat Wet Dream bill is for this country and bad for his fellow West Virginians and Democrats are wrong because they are blinded by their own hate and bigotry and their LETS MAKE AMEIRCA SOCIALIST agenda..

    "We can't discount the possibility simply because we don't like it."
    -Martin Sheen, THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

    Don't hate on the messenger, just because you don't like the facts of the message.. :D

Comments for this article are closed.