The Interrogation Of Mr. Claus

[ Posted Wednesday, December 20th, 2006 – 15:12 UTC ]

12.24.06 ... 2132 MST ... 2332 EST ... CHEYENNE MTN REPORTING ...

Incoming unidentified object approaching Maine coastline at 15,000 feet elevation over North Atlantic . . . Object is traveling at hypersonic speed with erratic course . . . We are now at DEFCON 2 -- advise immediate upgrade to DEFCON 1 . . . Awaiting Presidential approval . . . Advise also scramble fighters to attempt intercept of incoming object . . . More to follow . . .


[From the FAA's air traffic control logs:]
12/24/06 -- 11:47 PM, EST
Currently tracking unidentified flying object on our screens. At times object appears to fly at speeds almost too fast to be believed -- much faster than any known type of aircraft. At other times (always near populated areas up and down the East Coast), object slows to conventional flight speeds and performs what appears to be a search grid over the entire area. During this search, we lose contact multiple times, but the object always reappears quickly, close to previously known position. Impossible as this seems, it is suggested (but not confirmed) that the object may be performing multiple landings in these areas.

11:49 PM, EST
Object appears headed for Washington, D.C. airspace. Andrews Air Force Base has been alerted.


[From the Air Force logs at Andrews:]
12.24.06 -- 23:53 EST
Twelve interceptors and two attack helos scrambled and in the air. No contact with UFO yet.

23:55 PM EST
Helo Baker Two spotted object apparently preparing to land near or on the White House, before the object disappeared off screens. No visual identification of object was possible. Advise Secret Service move POTUS and VPOTUS to secure locations, if this has not already been done.


[From Secret Service White House logs:]
11:56 PM
Rooftop cameras show unidentified aircraft has landed on the White House roof. Aircraft has since been identified as large red and white sleigh, being pulled by what appears to be eight tiny reindeer. Sleigh appears to be empty at the moment, and close examination of video logs does not show if anyone left the sleigh or not.

POTUS and First Family moved to secure bunker. VPOTUS already in undisclosed location. Barney unaccounted for at this time.

11:57 PM
Unidentified intruder in the building, appears to have entered via chimney. Intruder is in the First Family residence, between the fireplace and the family Christmas tree. Agents dispatched.

11:58 PM
Intruder taken without a struggle by fourteen agents converging on the scene. Repeat: Intruder is in custody. Intruder has been moved to secure interrogation room in sub-basement C. POTUS and VPOTUS notified of the situation. Sleigh and reindeer have been checked for bombs and weapons: negative on both.


[Secret Service interrogation video transcript (excerpt):]
UNIDENTIFIED SUSPECT: "... look, this is all a misunderstanding. My flight transponder died over Iceland, but come on, guys, I make this run every year! I've been given clearance by NORAD since the 1950s -- go ahead, ask them! -- they'll tell you I'm cleared for this flight. And while you're at it, tell them I need a new transponder, the one they gave me in 1981 is falling apart. If any of my elves produced such shoddy workmanship, they'd be on reindeer pooper-scooper duty for months."

SECRET SERVICE AGENT [Name Redacted]: "As I told you, we're checking on that. We've got a call out to NORAD, and if what you say checks out, then it'll help your case. But just because you have flight clearance doesn't mean you can operate an aircraft with such astonishing capabilities -- without letting us in on its secret. And that's before we get to the fact that you were caught breaking into the White House...."

SUSPECT: "Oh, come on, that's ridiculous. Is every one of you new on the job, or what? I proved to the Pentagon's and the FBI's complete satisfaction that magic reindeer dust just doesn't work for anyone but me. They cleared me back when J. Edgar Hoover was running the show... even though he had been on my naughty list for years.

And speaking of naughty lists, you guys haven't exactly been Boy Scouts this year. Did you ever find the younger Barbara Bush's purse, or would you like my help on that one? Sending the Bush twins all the way to South America to party -- outside the scope of the American press -- would have actually worked if your junior G-men hadn't screwed up on that purse snatcher in Argentina, huh?"

SS AGENT: "You'll pay for that remark, you bastard..." [rises from chair and advances on SUSPECT with fists raised...]


PRESIDENT BUSH: "Santa! You came!"

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: "I think you'd better let me handle this, sir. Thank you, Agent [name redacted], we will conduct this interview now."


BUSH: "Did you bring me everything I asked for?"

SUSPECT: "You'll just have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out, won't you?"

BUSH: "Aw, don't be like that, Santa."

CHENEY: "Listen, mister, I don't think you realize what kind of trouble you're in here. You better answer the President's questions right quick, before I decide to go extraordinary rendition all over your ass..."

SUSPECT: "Now, Dickie, remember... I see you when you're sleeping and awake. For instance, I know exactly what happened that day you shot that guy in the face." [makes motion with hand as if repeatedly drinking from a glass]

BUSH: "Come on, Dick, lighten up! Santa, look -- [shows wristwatch] -- it's after midnight! It's Christmas Day! So you can tell me what you brung me, right?"

SUSPECT: [Sighs] "All right, Georgie, but you're not going to like the answers."

BUSH: "Does that mean I'm not getting a pony?"

SUSPECT: "Georgie, you've been asking for a pony since you were eight. Give it up -- it just won't fit into my bag."

BUSH: "OK, well then, how about a husband for Mary Cheney?" [addresses VPOTUS] "Didn't tell you about that one, Dick, it was supposed to be a surprise."

SUSPECT: "Sorry, Georgie, but Mary herself didn't ask me for that one. Although both you and Dickie put it at the top of your lists, you know the rules -- the person has to ask for it herself."

CHENEY: "You're not helping your case, mister. You know that was the one big present I wanted. Maybe a little waterboarding would help you find one in your bag... hmm?"

BUSH: "Dick, I told you, go easy here." [addresses SUSPECT] "OK, Santa, how about my higher approval rating? Is that under my tree right now?"

SUSPECT: [Sighs and spreads his hands] "Sorry, son, some things are beyond even Christmas miracles."

BUSH: "Well, how about my presidential library? With dozens of historians to tell the folks I'm the best President ever?"

SUSPECT: "Umm... I'm having problems convincing SMU to host it -- it may have to wait until next year."

BUSH: "Not even: 'Best President since Truman'?"

SUSPECT: [Eyes wearily roll to ceiling] "I'm working on it. I said maybe next year... if you're not too naughty."

BUSH: "Well, I guess I'll just have to settle for GOP control of both houses of Congress. You did get my request for that, didn't you?"

SUSPECT: "Um... that request was actually sent to Satan Incarnate by the North Pole Mail Routing System (we've been having problems with our mail service), and he told me he really tried to give you the Senate at the last minute, but The Man Upstairs vetoed him on that one. Sorry."

BUSH: "Dang. Looks like I'm going to have to get used to that word 'veto' then." [kicks a chair in frustration] "Well what DID you bring me, for Pete's sake?!?"

SUSPECT: Well, there's a new brush-chopper waiting for you... the new mountain bike you wanted... Oh, and I convinced Sylvester Stallone to make another Rocky movie... also there's a very nice necktie...."

BUSH: "No new Rambo?"

SUSPECT: "Maybe next year...."

CHENEY: "We're wasting time here. Let me handle this, sir, you won't even have to know what happens to him."

BUSH: "OK, Clausey, this is your last chance. Where's my victory strategy for Iraq? I put the public off until after the new year just so you could deliver me one. So where's my 'Mission Accomplished'?"

SUSPECT: "You mean you didn't get it? I dispatched my Baker and Hamilton elves weeks early to deliver it to you -- it was so important, I didn't see how it could wait. It gave you the perfect political cover for pulling the troops out, so everyone could be home by next Christmas. Did something happen to my elves? You didn't get the report?"

BUSH: "That was from you? But..." [long, long pause] "...OK, Dick, he's all yours."


CHENEY: "OK, mister, you've got only one chance to walk away from this. Did you get me the casus belli I need to declare war on Iran? Something like a US Navy vessel being torpedoed in the Gulf?"

SUSPECT: "Sorry, Dickie, but if you're going to start World War III, you're going to have to manufacture your own false-flag operation. I'll have no part in it."

CHENEY: [Speaking to ceiling:] "Prep a flight for Guantanamo. Tell them to expect a new 'enemy combatant'...." [to SUSPECT:] "You want to see naughty? You ain't seen naughty yet, mister."

SUSPECT: [Stands, and sighs] "Looks like lumps of coal all around for you two again this year." [shrugs] "Oh, well, Happy Christmas to everyone else..." [lays his finger aside his nose and gives a nod.]

[SUSPECT inexplicably disappears between frame 09489 and 09490 of the recording. VPOTUS then produces a sawed-off shotgun he has concealed on his person, and starts firing at random -- destroying all the furniture in the room. Recording ends when CCTV camera is hit by shotgun blast.]

— — —

[With apologies to Arlo Guthrie, for so obviously stealing the concept of "The Pause of Mr. Claus," the most hilarious and apropos Christmas song (and New England dry-humor monologue) ever written. Go buy the album "Arlo" to hear it in its entirety, if you want a good laugh.]

"...And they find out all of those questions within two minutes. And that's a... that's a great thing about America. I mean, this is the only country in the world... I mean, well, it's not the only country in the world that could find stuff out in two minutes, but it's the only country in the world that would take two minutes for that guy.Other countries would say: 'Hey... he's the last guy... screw him,' you know? But... but in America, there is no discrimination... and there is no hypocrisy... 'cause they'll get anybody. And that's... that's a wonderful thing about America."

-- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus"


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