ChrisWeigant.com

Dave's Not Here

[ Posted Wednesday, June 9th, 2021 – 15:17 UTC ]

Recent actual, no-foolin', you-can't-make-this-stuff-up news item:

A vaccine can now get you some pre-rolled bud in the state of Washington.

The state's liquor and cannabis board announced on Monday that in an effort to support coronavirus vaccinations, it will temporarily allow state-licensed cannabis retailers to give a free joint to adults who get their first or second dose at a vaccine clinic at one of the retail locations.

Call it the latest bounty in an ever-expanding list of incentives popping up across the country meant to push Americans to get their shots. "Joints for jabs" and similar campaigns have been around for months, with cannabis activist groups and local dispensaries offering joints for vaccinations. Now, a state is promoting the program.

 

Scene: Somewhere in the Seattle-Tacoma area, at a closed apartment door

 

[Knock knock knock knock knock]

 

"Who is it?"

"It's me, Dave. Open up, man, I got the stuff."

 

[Knock knock knock]

 

"Who is it?"

"It's me, Dave. Open up, man, I got the stuff."

"Who?"

"It's me, Dave, man. Open up, I got a joint!"

"Who?"

"Dave, man. Open up."

"Dave's not here."

"No, man, I'm Dave, man."

 

[Knock knock knock knock knock]

 

"Who is it?"

"It's Dave, man, let me in, I got a joint to share -- the governor gave me a joint!"

"You got a joint?"

"Yeah, man, let me in. The governor gave me a free joint!"

"You're high, man."

"No, seriously, they gave me a free vaccine shot and handed me a free joint afterwards. The freakin' governor was there with a bunch of cameras, passing out joints!"

"You're not just high, you're tripping, man."

"No really -- you can go get one too!"

"Yeah... what is this? Are you a narc, man?"

"No, I'm Dave, man! Seriously, all you have to do is go down the street to the pot shop and get in line. Dude will stick your arm with a needle and then you get a free joint from the governor."

"I don't do no needle drugs, man, no way."

"It's not drugs, man, it's the vaccine."

"Visine? What does that have to do with it? Are they checking for red eyes, or what?"

"Vaccine, man, it saves you from getting the 'Rona and dying."

"Oh, yeah, I heard something about that. You get the Visine shot in the arm and you won't get sick."

"That's right, man, and they're so desperate to get the shots out that they're actually spending money on free joints for anyone who hasn't gotten a shot yet. Man, all you have to do is go down and stand in line, and then we'll have a joint each to enjoy."

"Seriously? No way."

"Yeah, man, they call the program 'Joints For Jabs'"

"Joints for jobs? I don't want no job, man."

"Jabs -- like they jab you in the arm with the vaccine, dude. Poke and toke!"

"Well, OK, but I'm going to wait to get mine until Dave gets back. Dave's never going to believe this."

"I'm Dave, man!"

"Dave?"

"Yeah, Dave!"

"Dave? Dave's not here."

 

[Editor's Note: Offered up with massive apologies to Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong]

-- Chris Weigant

 

Follow Chris on Twitter: @ChrisWeigant

 

14 Comments on “Dave's Not Here”

  1. [1] 
    ListenWhenYouHear wrote:

    CW…

    Gotta say I am really surprised by this article… and not in the good way. For someone who is so supportive of the legalization of bud, this reads like a modern day minstrel show seeking to keep it a controlled substance. It uses the worst stereotypes for what “stoners” are supposedly like.

    I get that you were attempting to use comedy to get your message out there, but you failed to ask yourself one of the most important questions when it comes to writing comedy: Is the audience laughing at or laughing with the characters in my story?

    Hoping you’ve been hacked and this was published after you refused to pay the ransome…

    Russ

  2. [2] 
    ListenWhenYouHear wrote:

    No “e” in ransom, I know

  3. [3] 
    John M from Ct. wrote:

    Listen [1]

    I hate to say it, but I found Chris' piece witty and clever, if a bit labored in the middle. As he notes at the end, the entire thing is a light-hearted lift from Cheech and Chong's classic stoner comedy albums from the 70s. Even at the time, they had fun exaggerating the legendary aspects of recreational drug culture.

    Possibly this is a generational thing. Are you by any chance a fan of Zap Comix? R. Crumb and Mr. Natural and - wait for it - the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers? If not - if the Demon in Checkered Pants leaves you with a straight, even a puzzled, face - then I can begin to imagine how you might impose the weird (to me) 'minstrel show' overlay on this piece.

    It's me, Dave!

    [pause, stoned out of his gourd] ... Dave's not here.

    Definitely aughing with, not at, the characters.

    And I've never smoked marijuana in my life.

  4. [4] 
    BashiBazouk wrote:

    Fat Freddy's Cat was my favorite of the era. The cat's perspective of the Freak Brothers was better then the original comics IMO.

  5. [5] 
    andygaus wrote:

    I have to concur with Listen...
    Not funny, and as up-to-date as carbon paper.
    That's all right, everybody makes a mistake sometimes.

  6. [6] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    I'd rather have the pre-rolled cones and then fill it up after a bit of grinding. You know, now that I know how to smoke it properly. Thanks to my Caddy! :)

  7. [7] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    Russ [1],

    Guess I'll have to go and read the rest of the article, now ... :)

  8. [8] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    Russ,

    Hoping you’ve been hacked and this was published after you refused to pay the ransom…

    Okay, now THAT was funny!

  9. [9] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    Chris,

    I'll be laughing about that one for some time to come.

    :-)

    It's all your fault, too ... well, you and my favourite Canadian drummer. Ahem.

  10. [10] 
    MtnCaddy wrote:

    [1]

    Naw, Dude... you gotta light(en) up

  11. [11] 
    Don Harris wrote:

    I've been holding out waiting for them to offer blowjobs from recent college graduate women.

    This would be a win-win as it would encourage vaccinations and give the recent college graduate women an opportunity to work off some of their student debt! :D

  12. [12] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    Ha!

  13. [13] 
    nypoet22 wrote:

    geez.

  14. [14] 
    MtnCaddy wrote:

    *smh*

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