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Putin Takes Alaska Back!

[ Posted Tuesday, April 1st, 2014 – 17:16 UTC ]

Today -- the first of April -- Vladimir Putin announced that Russia has officially reabsorbed Alaska. "The Russian territory which has been mistaken referred to as 'the state of Alaska' has now been returned to its rightful and legal owner, Russia. It would be foolish for anyone to ever refer to the Russian Alyaska again as being any part of the United States."

Putin tried to back this stunning statement up with several rationales, all of which seemed laughable to American legal experts. He first claimed that the Alaska Treaty of Cessation, signed March 30, 1867, by then-Secretary of State William Seward (and later ratified by the United States Senate and Tsar Alexander II) was nothing more than "a lease," and not a purchase agreement. Putin pointed to a clause in the document which seemed to state that Russia would be the landlord for the territory and was just renting it to America for some extra cash. Putin went as far as to call Alaska nothing more than a "Babushka apartment" (which translates roughly to the American phrase "mother-in-law apartment") which Russia had made available for some extra income and because "it was just sitting there, unoccupied." Even more laughable was Putin's demand for "147 years of back rent." Putin stated that Russia had waited patiently for almost a century and a half -- and even gave the Americans an extra two days, to April 1st -- but that the time had come for eviction.

Putin's second rationale was seen as a weak and rather foolish attempt to fudge the numbers. Even without the clause that mysteriously only Putin could find in his copy of the Treaty, Putin maintained that the original price was not paid in full. "The United States of America was supposed to deposit first-and-last rent and a security deposit totaling $7.2 million," but the difference in what was signed up for and what was paid meant that Russia only received "something like $6 million." This proves, stated Putin, that the program was a failure and that what was originally called "Seward's Folly" was nothing short of a train wreck for Russia. Putin urged America's government to "repeal and replace" the Treaty (which he insisted on calling it the "Alyaska Rental And Damages Agreement") as soon as possible.

Ominously, Alaska has indeed seen a recent spike in Russian tourists all dressed exactly alike in what appear to be military uniforms which lack any sort of insignia. Putin dismissed these reports, saying "these tourists just like to wear camo, you got a problem with that?" Alaskan gun shops also reported an incredible run on military weapons and other military gear, but on the whole the owners of these shops seemed happy with the uptick in business.

Alaska's ex-half-term governor Sarah Palin could not be reached for comment. The only thing an unidentified spokesperson at her house would say was: "She's out foolin' around with huntin' some moose, dontcha know?"

Republicans in Congress were swift to call for action, however. Several urged immediate adoption of the "Reagan response." John McCain told reporters: "I remember when Ronald Reagan stood up before America's press corps and said, and I quote, 'My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.' Now that's the way to deal with this!" Other Republicans, while less bellicose, expressed similar sentiments.

It fell to President Obama, however, to put Putin's words into proper context. "Have you people looked at a calendar?" Obama incredulously said in a brief appearance before the press. "I mean, this is nothing short of foolishness on a global scale." He then rolled his eyes and stepped away from the podium in disbelief. When Obama's response was released on worldwide satellite television, Putin put in a second appearance, addressing the Russian parliament. While trying to contain his laughter, he yanked a cord which revealed an enormous, Soviet-era-sized banner which read, in both Russian and English:

April Fools!

-- Chris Weigant


Follow Chris on Twitter: @ChrisWeigant


8 Comments on “Putin Takes Alaska Back!”

  1. [1] 
    Hawk Owl wrote:

    Well, I did find myself wondering about today's date as the paragraphs unfolded. . . but that only added to my ability to relish the little well-turned phrases.
    And using Putin's bluster & bluff manner was the perfect target for such ironic "praise." Mark Twain would've smiled. No foolin'

  2. [2] 
    Chris Weigant wrote:

    Hawk Owl -

    Well, I tried to limit myself to derivations of "fool" to only one per paragraph. Heh.

    My tweet for today's article:

    "New article up (where angels fear to tread)"

    Heh heh.


  3. [3] 
    TheStig wrote:

    Brilliant! :-) :-) :-) :-) ;-)

  4. [4] 
    Michale wrote:

    Great job, CW..

    Now Palin CAN see Russia from her back porch!! :D


  5. [5] 
    Michale wrote:

    Getting back to earth and some serious issues..

    Putin Defies Obama in Syria as Arms Fuel Assad Resurgence
    “Russia is now doing everything to ensure that Assad wins convincingly,” Alexei Malashenko, a Middle East analyst at the Moscow Carnegie Center, said by phone. “If Russia can show it’s capable of carrying out its own foreign policy, regardless of America’s wishes, it will be a major achievement for Putin.”

    If this doesn't prove Obama is impotent when it comes to foreign policy, nothing will...


  6. [6] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:


    Now Palin CAN see Russia from her back porch!! :D

    Hah! Now THAT was funny! :)

  7. [7] 
    nypoet22 wrote:

    before i read the punchline i thought it was an ironic analogy for the crimean situation.

    guess that's what i get for thinking too deeply about an april fools joke.


  8. [8] 
    Chris Weigant wrote:

    nypoet22 -

    You can read any ironic analogies into it you want. Feel free!



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