BOO!! Two Spine-Tingling Tales Of Terror

[ Posted Friday, October 31st, 2008 – 13:43 UTC ]

[Today's Hallowe'en column is in two ghastly parts -- one frightful, fingernail-chewing tale for each side of the corpse-ridden and zombified political divide.]

Gather 'round, ghouls and goblins! Our annual Hallowe'en fright fest is about to begin... full of scary monsters, ghostly tales, and horrors galore... because on this night, everyone -- even the politically wonky -- deserves to be scared right down to their socks!! O, ye lefties -- think you that Obama's election absolutely cannot be derailed? O, ye righties -- think you that Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Barack Obama comprise the creepiest, most apocalyptic trifecta of liberal horrendousness you can imagine?

Well, think again! No matter what your deepest and darkest fears may be, no matter how mind-shattering your own political nightmares may be, you ain't heard nothing yet! Because your humble storyteller from the crypt has frightful and spooky stories to terrify both sides of the political chasm tonight... so without further ado, drag up a gravestone and gather 'round... for this year's two Spine-Tingling Tales Of Terror™!!


Nightmare On Democrat Street


Three days before the U.S. election, Osama Bin Laden releases a message to the world.

The entire content of this message is as follows:

"This is Osama Bin Laden. I want to thank the American people, who are about to elect my trained operative Barack Hussein Obama as their President. Since he has always been under my secret orders, this means Al Qaeda has won and will soon rule American as the Islamic country it was ordained to be by Allah. Obama will be getting my final instructions right after the election. Obey your new Islamic overlord, and follow all his orders, for your own good. I'm Osama Bin Laden, and I approved this message."

Now, let's admit one thing -- there is absolutely nothing that Barack Obama can do or say at this point to stop what is about to happen. Which is that complete panic and chaos erupts immediately across all of America. Obama bumperstickers and lawn signs are hastily removed, in fear of the roving torch-waving mobs who are smashing anything with his name on it (and anyone, for that matter). The opinion polls don't have enough time to accurately measure the result of this, but it becomes evident on Election Day -- when John McCain takes 49 states, leaving Obama with only seven electoral votes, from Washington, D.C. and Hawaii.

John McCain is sworn in as the next President of the United States in January. Two days later, he opens his first Cabinet meeting with the words: "My friends... URK!!" -- and then he promptly dies. This wins him the ignoble record for the shortest presidential term in office in all of American history -- beating out William Henry Harrison, who only lasted a month (unless you technically count David Rice Atchison, which I have to say I do not).

Sarah Palin is immediately sworn in as the first female President.


My 2008 Jack O'Lantern. Horrifying, eh?


Palin immediately appoints her husband Todd as Vice President, and Wayne Gretzky as her Secretary of State.

Barack Obama is brought up on treason charges -- and is saved from a rabid lynch mob by federal authorities, who then immediately ship him off to Guantanamo Bay.

President Palin, when asked if Obama is facing the death penalty replies: "Oh, you betcha." Which begins her eight-year reign as America's Theocrat-in-Chief.

[I leave it as an exercise for the student to fill in the remainder of this Democratic nightmare...]


Nightmare On Republican Street


The polls were right all along. They even understated Barack Obama's support, and he winds up winning 43 states and Washington, D.C. To rub salt in the wound, he wins the popular vote by a margin of 57 percent to 41 percent, a 16-point gap over McCain, and one of the biggest voter mandates in the past century. Election poll shenanigans don't even matter, because the tidal wave of Obama votes is so massive that it would have overwhelmed any tinkering at the fringes.


My 2006 Jack O'Lanterns. Spooky!


The Democrats pick up 40 seats in the house, for a 276-159 majority (a 117-seat gap). They also pick up ten seats in the Senate. Joe Lieberman bolts the Democratic party after he is stripped of his committee seniority, but nobody even notices -- because even with Lieberman gone, the Democrats still have a filibuster-proof 60 seats.

In their congressional party leadership elections, the Democrats boot out Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid... and install even more liberal congressional leaders. Dennis Kucinich is elected Speaker of the House. Socialist Party Senator Bernie Sanders from Vermont is elected Senate Majority Leader.

Barack Obama then announces his Cabinet choices:

  • Secretary of State -- Martin Sheen
  • Attorney General -- Michael Moore
  • U.N. Ambassador -- Arianna Huffington
  • Secretary of Defense -- Cindy Sheehan
  • Secretary of Education -- William Ayers
  • Secretary of Veterans Affairs -- A randomly-chosen homeless vet who sleeps under a bridge
  • Secretary of Agriculture -- Snoop Dogg
  • Secretary of Interior -- A randomly-chosen Native American
  • Secretary of Energy -- Al Gore
  • Secretary of Labor -- The Dixie Chicks
  • Secretary of Commerce -- Ralph Nader
  • Secretary of Health and Human Services -- Oprah Winfrey
  • Secretary of Homeland Security -- Bill Maher
  • Secretary of Housing and Urban Development -- Reverend Jeremiah Wright
  • Secretary of Transportation -- Some hippie guy who rides his bike to work
  • Secretary of Treasury -- Noam Chomsky


Alaska, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Texas, Mississippi, and Kentucky immediately announce they are seceding from the Union. They are soon followed by Nebraska, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, South Carolina, and Tennessee.

The Second Civil War begins (also called the "One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State" War). Millions die as a result. When the secessionist states are finally conquered, President Obama announces that Christianity will be outlawed in these states for a generation, and all guns in these states will be immediately confiscated. The Second Reconstruction begins, and all lands within the secessionist states are handed over to African-Americans under the "Forty Acres And A Mule" Act. The only people allowed to run for office in the Reconstruction states have to be certified as being "totally gay" by a panel of experts from San Francisco. Rush Limbaugh is drawn and quartered on the Capitol steps, much to the delight of passers-by.

All those who took up arms against the United States are labeled "terrorists" and the full impact of the gutting of the Constitution under George W. Bush finally sinks in to them, as they are officially declared "enemy combatants" -- and hence don't even have the Geneva Conventions to rely on, during their subsequent imprisonment and hideous torture.


A Happy Hallowe'en To All!!


Cross-posted at The Huffington Post


-- Chris Weigant


14 Comments on “BOO!! Two Spine-Tingling Tales Of Terror”

  1. [1] 
    akadjian wrote:

    Republicans may rue the day they established so much power in the executive branch!!!!


    Now to go put on my John McCain mask ...

  2. [2] 
    kevinem2 wrote:

    One Republican nightmare to go, please...No fries please.

  3. [3] 
    Osborne Ink wrote:

    Awesome pumpkin-carving, Chris!!!

    I admit it, the words "President Palin" threaten to make me lose bladder control. ((((shudder))))

  4. [4] 
    fstanley wrote:

    Great Pumpkins - really scary.

    What no John Stewart in the Cabinet?


  5. [5] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:

    Oooooo! That is one spooky, snarky cat! I think that red-eyed image alone shall give me nightmares.

    What about John McCain's place in an Obama which nightmare would that be part of? But, I'd say put him in charge of Veterans Affairs if I didn't know what a tough place vets find themselves in already.

  6. [6] 
    Chris Weigant wrote:

    kevinem2 -

    Coming right up. Would you like a side order of neoconservative heads exploding with that?

    Osborne Ink -

    Thanks! I thought about trying to do her face, then rightfully decided my it was beyond my skills to do so, and stuck with just the letters. I had to get a MONSTER sized pumpkin to fit it all in, though.

    fstanley -

    I did consider "Barbara Streisand" instead of Oprah...

    Elizabeth Miller -

    All kudos for the Halloween header pic go to CW Cunningham, who created it for last year's Halloween. Maybe I can get him to do a Thanksgiving one or an Xmas one or something... he just gave me the "VOTE" one last week, which will return tomorrow.

    John McCain in an Obama administration would have to fall into the category of "personal John McCain nightmare" I think...


    Happy Hallowe'en everyone!! BOO!!


  7. [7] 
    Chris Weigant wrote:

    Mini-contest for (almost) everyone!

    OK, nobody's spotted it yet, and I already told one of you (cough, Michale, cough, cough) who is exempt, but there has been an election image on this site for weeks now (top left, right under the menu bar). The background is a photo (dimmed down to pastel colors, which is NOT the answer I'm looking for here) of a flag, which I took myself.

    Question: what is wrong with that flag??

    First one to answer correctly gets all my extra Hallowe'en candy...


  8. [8] 
    BLaws wrote:

    Too many stars.

    Stars on the flag go


    You have 7 in both rows.

  9. [9] 
    BLaws wrote:

    My "nightmare" for the GOP that I would love to see come true...

    The Democrats pick up 40 seats in the house, for a 276-159 majority (a 117-seat gap). They also pick up ten seats in the Senate. Joe Lieberman bolts the Democratic party after he is stripped of his committee seniority, but nobody even notices — because even with Lieberman gone, the Democrats still have a filibuster-proof 60 seats.

    The industrialized countries around the world get a handle on the financial crisis and the market rebounds over the next year or two. Oil prices remain low due to decreased demand as the US, China, India, EU, Brazil, and others form an agreement to work together to develop clean renewable energy techonology, a green version of OPEC.

    In 2010 the Democrats are riding high in public opinion. Without the Republicans blocking legislation in the Senate a lot of things are finally getting done and the Congress approval rating rises to 60%. The Dems gain even more seats in the House and in the Senate all Dems hold their seats while John McCain loses to Janet Napolitano, Lisa Murkowski loses in Alaska, Sam Brownback loses to Kathleen Sebelius, George Voinovich loses to Dennis Kucinich, Arlen Specter retires and Chris Matthews wins, and the following also lose: Mel Martinez (FL), Johnny Isakson (GA), Chuck Grassley (IA), David Vitter (LA), Kit Bond (MO), and Judd Gregg (NH).

    The Dem party forms two caucuses, one more conservative, one more progressive. They work well together coming up with great legislation and avoid gridlock. The Republican party goes the way of the Whigs.

  10. [10] 
    Chris Weigant wrote:

    BLaws (1) -

    OK, but your answer is incomplete. So how many stars does that flag have?

    BLaws (2) -

    Now that is an interesting possible outcome indeed. You get a gold star on your student paper completing my Republican nightmare!



  11. [11] 
    Elizabeth Miller wrote:


    Your answer may be incomplete but it does show that one more star would make the flag...I don't know...more symmetrical...hmmmmmmm....

  12. [12] 
    ChicagoMolly wrote:

    It's that poor lonesome 49-star flag that was only official post-AK pre-HI (seven staggered rows of seven).

  13. [13] 
    Chris Weigant wrote:

    ChicagoMolly -


    Good job... I put it up there as a joke originally, but I left it up there because if Sarah Palin wants Alaska to secede so badly, then this is what the flag would look like.

    Or something.

    Heh heh.

    You get all the BEST of my leftover Hallowe'en candy, and BLaws gets the weird off-brand candy for being first (but incomplete).


    This flag was the official flag of the US for what has to be the shortest time period ever -- something like six (or maybe it was nine) months (I think, spanning 1959 and 1960, but I'm doing this from memory, could be off a bit). I got one as a novelty item right before I needed a flag photo for the graphic, so I used it just to see if anyone would notice...


  14. [14] 
    Benevolent_Sociopath wrote:
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